Things They Don’t Tell You

So.  I’m at the GP’s.  After extensive research on the tinterweb, obsessive reading of Mum Discussion Forums (if you’re newly pregnant, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD avoid these places – they scared the bejesus out of me) and consulting with the fella, I surmised I was about six weeks pregnant.

Now. correct me if I’m wrong. I thought, I’d go to the doctor, whisper “Hello doctor, I think I might be pregnant”, she’d say “ok so, but we’ll do a test, just in case”. NOT THE CASE MY FRIENDS, not at all. What did she say? “Grand. How pregnant do YOU think you are?” Now, I don’t mind saying, this freaked me out. I have a very active imagination, have been known to embellish the truth for the sake of a good story on many an occasion and to be perfectly honest, was spending a good portion of every day wondering if I’d made my baby up to add a bit of colour to my life. I was RELYING on the doctor to confirm or deny my pregnancy. Well. She didn’t.

She opened up a screen on her computer, asked me about my last period and agreed with my online diagnosis that I was six week’s pregnant and that I was due around the beginning of February. WTF?! There was no testing of the wee, no rubbing of my tummy to feel the baby, NO NOTHING! And, to add insult to injury? I was told to go away, make an appointment at the hospital I wanted to go to and see them in SIX WEEK’S TIME.

Well, I don’t need to tell you, six weeks is an awful long time to be sitting around waiting to be told if you are actually pregnant. During that time, I got VERY VERY TIRED, very. But couldn’t sleep. And had to wee all the time – about eighteen times a night. But when I did wee, there was none to be had (frustrating isn’t a word strong enough for this). I went to America with the fella and his family and had a lovely time, though I was concerned that the heat would cook my baby – I spent alot of the time hugging the air conditioner.

Things I was scared of during this time include:

1. Cheese. All kinds. You are told you can’t eat soft cheese, but  nobody defines it. This meant for the first while I gave a devil’s stare to all cheese, including processed stuff like Laughing Cow and Calvita (not technically cheese I would think, but anyway).

2. The bath. Too hot could cause me to miscarry, too cold could freeze the baby (I made that up).

3. All kinds of salami/pepperoni/chorizo. As the editor of a food magazine this occupied lots of my time – I love cured meats as much as the next person, but the idea of them hurting my baby, well, that meant they were out.

4. My wardrobe. While not looking pregnant, I did puff out loads during this period. All my clothes looked and felt funny. And I resented them.

5. My boobs. Sore, but not getting visibly bigger, I felt I had gotten the short straw. No fair boobs. no. fair.

6. Constantly feeling hungover. Now this, my friends, is one of the closely guarded secrets of being newly pregnant. YOU FEEL HUNGOVER All. THE. TIME. I am not lying. Tired, lethargic, headachey, pukey, craving no fruit or veg, only fried food. It’s pretty vile.

7. Your fanny hurts. Yes. You heard me. More on this in the next post.

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About Ciara McDonnell

Ouch My Fanny Hurts was born in the late stages of my first pregnancy. I was sick and tired of everyone going on and ON about how brilliant it is to be pregnant, when actually, lots of it was quite crap really. And, my fanny hurt a lot. So, I decided to tell the truth about my experience while I was pregnant, and the journey I have been on since, as our little fella grew a little bigger, and we brought our second son into the world in what turned out to be fairly scary circumstances. It’s my story, and I am delighted to share it.
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10 Responses to Things They Don’t Tell You

  1. Nathalie says:

    LOL. Just LOL. My heart goes out to you, you poor chorizo and cheese deprived pet. Can’t wait to meet the little guy though 🙂

  2. Vicki Notaro says:

    This is brilliant. Nathalie there just directed me to it.

    I have a mortal fear of pregnancy and childbirth, and have written about it on my blog and in STELLAR magazine. Your description of early pregnancy, while not exactly making me feel better, is so bloody honest and open that at least it takes the edge off the unknown. Your style is also gas.

    I like you. Well done!

  3. Susan Bell Flavin says:

    Gotta say, the food guilt disperses exponentially with the number of children you have. I remember on baby 1, running into my GP’s office in tears, terrified that the peanut butter I had been eating by the jarful was going to harm my baby. By pregnancy number 4, I was at a wedding in France, eating every soft cheese in site, sipping on a bit of champagne (just a bit, really) and I couldn’t be sure, but a tiny bite or two of foie gras might have even passed my lips. I figured, if the French ladies can eat it when pregnant – while in France… Baby now born and thriving, with no obvious ill effects from my French naughty food bender.

    Love the blog. MORE please! Nothing makes me laugh out loud, but this does. x

  4. Ah thanks a million guys, you’ve made my day! xxxx

  5. Anna says:

    Love it. Hilarious. I see a career in comedy writing ahead – is that a book publisher I hear banging down your door? I think it i-isss! More, more!!

  6. Jennifer says:

    More more more!!!!This is ME!(but way funnier) 5 weekd 4 days preg. Its SOOoooo feckin slow to get to the 12 week mark

  7. Ruth Williams says:

    Fantastic – absolutely fantastic! Very funny and so True!!

  8. Severine says:

    A friend of mine redirected me on your blog !
    Poor you, my fanny didnt hurt (until now at least!) and I don’t really feel pregnant – 11 weeks since my last period but I guess I’ll get big soon enough 🙂
    Concerning the cheese, I eat all the pasteurised (do you write it like that)… I hope that’s fine !
    Buf bye bye cured meat 😦
    Keep going, I like reading your blog!

    • Yay! I’m so glad you like it! I know, no cured meat sucks – but it’s only for a while… and I’ve TOTALLY had a few bits and bobs over the last eight months. Hope your pregnancy continues to be great – and your fanny doesn’t hurt!!! x

  9. Niamh says:

    the hungoverness is the worst! not least because you couldn’t be hungover because you haven’t even looked at a drink in 100 years….

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