Oh teething, how I loathe you

Dear whoever-invented-teething:

Firstly, hello, I hate you. Secondly, why oh WHY did you choose to inflict agony on tiny, defenceless people who would get absolutely no benefit from the stupid teeth because they are going TO FALL OUT IN A FEW BLOODY YEARS?

Why does teething happen at night, not during the day, when the pain and red face could be distracted by round the clock episodes of In The Night Garden? Why does Calpol only last for an hour, and Teedex suddenly have a ban on anyone under two using it (HELLO, kids do teethe under two you know?!). Why do men not bolt from the bed when they hear the whimpering sob of a child in pain? What is it that enables them to sleep through a sound like that? And why, when they are forcibly booted from the bed does your child whisper “Mamma, MAAAAMMMA” in a way that has you pushing your fella out of the way and saying “give me the child, he only wants ME – can’t you see that?”

Why does teething make eejits out of all of us? Why does it make you drop a small knife on your toe while emptying the dishwasher? Why does it make you deny your fella a kiss goodbye because you resent the fact that they had a relatively good night’s sleep, knowing that you are going to have to make up for your crappiness later with a chocolate biscuit and a bit of grovelling? 

WHY does a baby who has been up every forty five minutes all night long get up with a spring in their step at 6.30am, ready to play? Why don’ t they want to curl under the duvet with their mother all day and watch the trees from our bed? Why is the healing power of coffee not delivered with a raspberry muffin by a good-looking man who cups your face and says “even though it may not seem like it, you are doing a good job“.

Why, when you have spent so much time and tears sitting in the dark beside your child’s cot so that they will sleep without you do you abandon all your work at the first sign of pain and walk the floors, rocking and cooing and petting, so that never again will you sleep alone? 

Yes, teething, I absolutely despise you. I wish the fire of a thousand suns on your ass. If I was queen of the world all babies would be born with a full set of teeth and a grin on their face. I would eradicate you, and all need for the medication overload we dose on our kids because of you. Teething, I loathe you. 


About Ciara McDonnell

Ouch My Fanny Hurts was born in the late stages of my first pregnancy. I was sick and tired of everyone going on and ON about how brilliant it is to be pregnant, when actually, lots of it was quite crap really. And, my fanny hurt a lot. So, I decided to tell the truth about my experience while I was pregnant, and the journey I have been on since, as our little fella grew a little bigger, and we brought our second son into the world in what turned out to be fairly scary circumstances. It’s my story, and I am delighted to share it.
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2 Responses to Oh teething, how I loathe you

  1. faismsFA says:

    god help you if you had to breast feed a baby with a mouth full of teeth!!! 🙂 Great post as always!

  2. Stitches & Stretchmarks says:

    I totally feel your pain! I gave my son so much Calpol he got the squits :s

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