Another child, another pile of SHITE at the hands of the HSE.
So, at Michael’s three month check up yesterday we were subjected once more to the ridiculous soundings of our delightful public health nurse:
PHN: So… how are we DOING? (insert fake smiley voice here)
ME: Ah, sure we’re grand! The mere miracle of the fact that I’ve kept the two babies alive keeps me feeling upbeat.
tumbleweed. a lot of writing down on forms
ME: I’M JOKING. All is great. etc.
PHN: Right, let’s get baby undressed and doing some pushups shall we?
Micheal is weighed, measured and put on his tummy
PHN: OH. You’re obviously not giving baby his tummy time. His head movement really is below par.
ME: Eh, you are aware that I also have a one and a half year old? You do REALISE that leaving Michael on the floor for extended periods of time would lead to some serious maiming at the hands of his older brother?
PHN: Oh, I see. Does he have a problem with his younger brother? (furious note taking)
ME: He is one and a half. It’s what they do.
PHN: Well, you really SHOULD be giving him tummy time. It’s the ONLY way to make sure that they are developing the way we want them to.
At this point I start to think about all the babies in 1970s Ireland, who languished in prams to keep them safe from their nine brothers and sisters – they definitely didn’t get tummy time.
ME: Ok so, that’s grand, thanks a million, can-we-go-now?
PHN: NO NO. Let’s talk about Mum! How’s Mum feeling? Overwhelmed? Dejected? Depressed? Fill out this form there like a good girl and we’ll see if you have post natal depression.
ME: Ah, I’m grand. Really. See? Look! I don’t have it! I’m HAPPY ALL THE TIME!!!
PHN: Oh, very good. You don’t have it – you ticked all the right boxes. Good girl.
PHN: Now, let’s talk about solids. Since your last baby, let’s see, a year and a half ago, we’ve changed all the guidelines on what to feed your baby. Now we say don’t give them fruit because we think that it is going to make them fat.
AND…. ZONE OUT.